I’m taking an inventory in my life and it’s beginning with the things I do for me. For Aliah. That causes my heart to swell up with joy and everlasting abundance. When I happily sleepy-smile and flutter my eyes. When I laugh so hard that I accidentally snort. These days I have seemed to misplace my list.
My first mistake was becoming something I wasn’t.
I became a born-again Christian in April 2019 which is still hands down the best decision I’ve ever made. Jesus is *chef’s kiss* but He doesn’t lie. The Bible mentions tribulation and hardship, that there are spiritual forces that oppose Him and therefore now oppose me. He always says no one can take me out of His arms but I must rest in Him, and not allow circumstances to cause me to leave Him.
And by this, we know love. Love never fails because love never stops trying. My love for Christ forces me to grit my teeth and continue to love Him. His love is purifying, electrifying and rejuvenating. His love reminds me each time that every sacrifice and tear is worth it. It’s the tarrying that is hard for me. It’s the everything-that-could-go-wrong-has but I still press my way into His presence, into His Word. It’s that I haven’t been faithful and consistent but now I have the strength to fight against this type of attitude.
Back to the mistake.
Like any newlywed couple, I spent spring and summer of 2019 in the bliss of my new love. I spent copious amounts of time learning and studying about God, Christ and my new life. I gained so much knowledge in that short period of time, I felt catapulted and ready to soar. I went outside and got devoured.
Does this mean my love and progress were fake? Of course not, it was naive and perhaps a tad shallow. My roots weren’t quite deep yet and I was a brand new tree in the dead of winter.
I was zealous to do the Lord’s work and convinced I had changed at the core of who I was. One lesson I’ve learned: time will reveal the truth in you and those around you.
I’ve learned enough truth about myself to know that I haven’t changed as much as I would like to. At the core, I am the same person I’ve always been and honestly this frustrates me.
It would’ve been beautiful to magically become someone else, someone fresh who has no association with the “me” from my past. But it doesn’t work that way. God has removed (is removing) the aspects from me that were never designed to be “of” me. I attached stoner and partying to my identity, something He never intended. I attached melancholy and nonchalant to mask my sensitivity; sadly He never intended for that. I attached hypersexuality to replace my childlike innocence, He definitely didn’t want that for me.
I delved into tradition, resolved that the only way to be a true Godly woman is to shun the elements of modern femininity and live like an early housewife. I internally, and at times, verbally shamed women who live in the way of the world. Even though I was once like them.
I do believe it’s important to protect our gates and preserve what is good, holy and like God within us but this looks different for every woman. I still desire to be a housewife, raise my children with Godly values and love my husband without measure but it will look different than the 1920s. I also desire to have a career; to create, travel and experience life as a free, young woman.
The purpose of being on this earth is to win souls for Christ Jesus through the demonstration of my life. Everything I am to have and become is to reflect His Glory.
So what are the things I do for me?
- I place utmost importance of being a disciple of Jesus Christ.
Before I am black, I am Christian. Before I am feminine, I am Christian. Before I am beautiful, I am Christian. Before I am ambitious, I am Christian.
What does it actually mean to be a Christian? To be like Christ Jesus.
- I take care of what’s important to Aliah.
There are four things I’ve discovered I must do to stay sane: journal, get my nails and feet done, get my hair done and exercise.
This may seem shallow to some but as far as my aesthetics (hair, nails, feet) I’ve always had these things taken care of. As a black woman, my hair appointments have been a part of my life as far as I can remember. I love how it adds to my essence and taking care of myself in this manner means, to me, that I am awarding proper attention to the state of my being (and resources haha).
I became an exercise-enthusiast in 2017 following gaining 20 lbs my freshman year of college. I was appalled at the lack of care and effort I was putting toward maintaining a healthy body. Learning about my health and finding ways to maintain it has been of importance to me ever since.
I have discovered, I am apt to sadness. If I can be unhappy, it seems as if my brain will gladly choose the option. Exercising and getting the happy chemicals in my brain flowing is important for me to remain chemically balanced.
Journaling is my life. It is the way I consort with myself and present my feelings to God. It is how I rub out my best ideals and determine if I’m truly being balanced concerning a matter. If I do not journal, I will be prone to oversharing because I am not dealing with my thoughts.
The Bible says the mind is deceitful above all things and incurable. Journaling is one way I deal with my mind.
- I continue to dream.
I am a dreamer in every sense of the word. My imagination is large and I could happily live in the picturesque scenarios I see when I close my eyes. Dreaming is good because it keeps me alive. My mind is refreshed with what is lovely and desirable, no matter what is presently occurring in reality.
I dream so I have something to look forward to. I believe that if you can not dream it, you simply can’t achieve it.
What are some things you do for you? Leave a comment, I’d love to interact more with my readership!